I feel as though that speaks volumes about who I am and, quite frankly, I don’t really give a shit. I have thought of writing about beautiful things, but I can’t grasp beauty in the way that I can harness the ugly. A dull tenderness, something subtle, yet noticeable enough to distinguish this day from yesterday. I can still feel the ache on my fingers from the burn I got earlier in the day. The darkness settles over me as I lay in bed, the day coming to a close much as it began. That I can still connect with humanity at all, that’s beautiful to me… It means I haven’t given up on it yet. The honest to God emotions flooding me in those dark terrible moments have shown me that I am, in fact, human. I find the beauty in the beautiful as well as the ugly, because you can’t have one without the other. Those moments I’d have stopped time for as well. Laying there, wondering what the fuck went wrong. The way the cold tile of the bathroom floor feels against my cheek, with my hot breath intermittently clouding the tiles. That hot heavy feeling that sits in my chest, leaving me gasping for air. It’s not always the hopelessly romantic moments that I’d like to dwell on anyhow, I’d like to freeze time in some of my worst moments. I don’t have many pictures, let alone many pictures of moments I’d liked to have stayed in. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I’ve had a few moments that left me speechless.
![exercising demons song exercising demons song](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5b46fda03e2d09fe09bcfb34/1541490085103-253TJ1K8DBW7RX1EVY93/IMG_0037.jpg)
These kinds of thoughts inevitably lead to others, like the way a photograph is a frozen moment in time that you can look back on. The ability to freeze a moment and just admire it for awhile before it’s gone. I’ve been thinking alot lately about stopping time, my newest fanciful fantasy it seems. So I watched her walk away, leaving me parting in her wake. She offered to piece me back together, but I couldn’t stand the pressure. The darkness consumed me, bringing with it my safe haven. Anxiety vibrating my nerves until I fell into dust, a cloud of neurotic neurons. She could tell what was happening, and knew exactly what she was doing. “I don’t think you have enough glue” she stared on, watching my fidgeting fingers and erratic movements. The punch line slipped off of my tongue, and hung in the air for what seemed like forever. She looked down at the mess of trauma beneath me, and as previously stated, she offered to piece me back together. The sorrow pulling strings of my anxiety, as I became impatient. She offered to piece me back together, I made a joke about being the perfect amount of broken. I joke when I’m sad, I make everyone else laugh to see a smile touch someone’s eyes in a way that mine never has. Bits and pieces of memories too damaged to matter, littered the earth beneath our feet covered under a layer of fake laughter. She was the patron saint of broken hearts and I found myself fractured. Now I count the minutes, getting ever closer to who I am to become. I also know that I no longer want you, or what you have become. I know that I will never have you, I’ve accepted that as fact. The noise was deafening for so long, that I forgot what silence sounded like. Buried beneath the pieces of my broken heart and the sand of my time lost, I found myself again. I’ve lost my faith, but found myself here.
![exercising demons song exercising demons song](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/_V8aV_hRRFA/maxresdefault.jpg)
A quiet solitude has always sounded better than a lonely isolation, it’s all in the phrasing. I’ve rebuilt my self and put up enough walls to block out the noise of everyone else. Miles between who I was and who you left, years between who you left and who I’ve become. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t worthy of what you offered, yet I foolishly took it… Believing that I could change into what was needed. The end of my life, and the beginning of my reincarnation. The time before the fall, before the collapse of my small orderly world. Her smile plays back in my mind, a slideshow of the past replaying it’s greatest hits.
![exercising demons song exercising demons song](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71g7TQXaXYL.jpg)
A distance too great to fathom comfortably.
![exercising demons song exercising demons song](https://i1.sndcdn.com/avatars-8JQOiyroVbCNWNbz-r00d6A-t240x240.jpg)
The distance between the man I am and the man I want to be can only be measured in time.